Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
