you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
