rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
