she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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