I met the friendliest cop last night
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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