I wish I could teleport
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
