Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
