I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
