Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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