i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
