just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i wish my penis had a tongue
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize