We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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