i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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