It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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