hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
