there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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