I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
