i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
