I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
