Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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