Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
