i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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