I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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