So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
