it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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