my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you never un-have a 4some
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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