The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
