turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
