We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
