This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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