A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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