I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
