My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize