apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
