I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize