I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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