This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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