Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
