Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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