Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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