I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
