Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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