just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
