a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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