This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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