The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
