i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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