Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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