Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
