wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
