you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
