I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
