So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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