I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
