Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
