I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
