you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
