he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize