how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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