i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The uberlube is also flammable
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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