If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
