i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
