I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
