I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
