I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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