We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
