I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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