i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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